Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
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