Fine. I'll sleep in my office
this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool
If that really is brett favre's penis, no wonder she ignored his calls
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.
There was pot, but there are no Doritos, no Funyons, no Oreos.
Send help.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
Randomize
