pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage
HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
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