Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
Randomize
