Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
It was a fight. Me vs nature and drunkenness. And nature won. Big time.
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
Your life is a soap opera of great sex, cats, and booze.
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
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