dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
