If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
I'd google it, but I don't really want my search history to say, "Name for masturbating on a flight."
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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