he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
He passed out mid-signature
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
