i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
how's this sound. You, me a box of pink franzia and a night full of possibilities in your basemen. I'll be me. You be you. And we'll see where it goes
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
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