I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
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