My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
I'm so confused. I feel like I just intentionally took roofies to see where I'd end up.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
Only good thing about being an essential worker is that I have a letter allowing me to cross the bridge into jersey to get booze
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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