He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Okay I'm officially a Texan now, I banged a dude with cowboy boots
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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