the sex was like sticking it in a jar of mayonnaise
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
Thank you for holding my butt in a non-sexual manner when its cold. I appreciate you and your warm hands.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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