I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
the last i saw he was butt naked on the top deck of the bus trying to conduct a drunken choir so i really have no idea
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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