why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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