So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
Go to google and type XXX
.......Is that how you look for porn?
were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
Randomize
