Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
woke up and somehow me leather belt got torn in half. either we partied with the hulk or some chick just could not wait to see my dick. probably the former tho
I had a meltdown and you quoted Puddle of Mudd to me
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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