after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i doubt you are even in possession of a crowbar.
I suggest you not find out the hard way
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
Randomize
