Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
Hearing them have a conversation is like listening to water buffalo have sex. Awkward and scarring.
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
