So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
What am I legally allowed to do to a girl that is the equivalent of me punching her in the face?
Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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