the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I apologize in advance for the number of sex toys drying on the bathroom sink.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
By the time I realized I was watching a Danish porno with muppets it was already too late
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I think I accidentally got a sugar daddy but I was already planning on sleeping with him so I’m going to see where this goes
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