apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Tackling and headbutting friends, running away and hiding from everyone, attempting to streak across campus, and then waking up with no sign of a hangover... happy 21 to me
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
