Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
At the light, his mom pulled up next to us while I was giving him road head. He forgot to tell me she was meeting us at the movie. So long story short, I convinced her I drove myself, pick me up in 20.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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