Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Im at the hospital with monitors on and a giant green top hat. i blew a 24somethin. Im fucked.
I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
EVERYBODY CALM YOUR SHIT
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
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