I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Yeah I'm pretty sure at one point I was telling her to keep her dick in her pants. She was going to do some serious damage.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
We're both fucking guys named Frank. Our friendship was meant to be.
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