I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
My boyfriend and my fuck buddy are going to the strip club together... Should I be concerned?
If you can endure a laser on the butthole, you can endure a wax on the butthole. Those are words to live by.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
