Becky drew a cock on my face and is making me sit on the step.
what did you do that she drew a cock on your face and supplemental questions why did you let her?
you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
It's almost 5am and all I can keep thinking is IT'S WHISKEY TIME!!
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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