Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
i may or may not have just grinded on your dog thinking it was my boyfriend
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
GUESS WHO STILL HAS BOTH NIPPLES!
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
This is not a drill. I need a cape. And a tuxedo. Simultaneously. Repeat. NOT. A. DRILL....
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
