ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
This is the first time since last march I'm gonna be going to a class for more reasons than wanting to bone the girl sitting next to me.
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
The cop used the word "belligerent" 16 times in the report. You get to bail him this time. I'm not up for it.
He was smart enough to bring a condom to our study date so I mean I'm sure he'll do fine on the test
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
He called yelling about whhhhhhiskey and enchiladas I heard sirens in the background last time I talked to him b
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
she's pretty fucking smug for someone who has had unprotected sex with a convicted felon
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
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