I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I DONT WANT YOUR DICK. I WANT BRUNCH.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
Randomize
