Drinking Grey Goose on the toilet. Don't make me graduate.
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
He might not have any marketable talents, but the kid dry humps like no other.
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
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