All my problems are solved. I just got McDonalds and scratch off lottery tickets.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
Someone shat in the 1st floor west girls hall. Literally SHAT in the hallway
That's what she gets for taking his peeps.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
You threw up at the outdoor bar and it was pretty...astonishing just how much can come out of such a small human.
Randomize
