My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
dude girls our age are getting married and having babies and I still can't figure out how to defrost my hotpockets
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
