i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous
This hurricane better not stop me from sitting on the stoop thurs & enjoying all the slutty costume walkofshamers
WHAT KIND OF SELF RESPECTING 28 YEAR OLD WOMAN WAKES UP IN A FRAT HOUSE?!?'
The cougar kind?
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
