i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
I put you to bed and you would not go unless I let you sleep with the vodka
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
The progression was banging a stripper banging an unemployed stripper banging a sexual entrepreneur quarantining with benefits totally fucking whipped. Get it right dude
Randomize
