I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
Need sex. Gaining weight.
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didn't exactley write on my bucket list -- "hook up with a townie at a drivers intervention program"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
We shoved chex mix between her tits for her own survival.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
all the one night stand stories i have end with me crying on my RA's floor stuffing cupcakes into my mouth
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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