I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.
Just quiet vomiting, and in between heaves she mumbled "be the pro"
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Well he can play the xylophone with his erect cock... So he's got that going for him
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
He deserves someone who will touch his penis at 3 a.m.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
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