ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
I'm only bisexual one week out of the month. Nothing like ovulation hormones to make the genders of my hookups seem completely irrelevant.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
I have successfully trained your dog to bring me pudding cups!
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
Randomize
