I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
Never thought I'd see the day when I got assless chaps in the mail, and yet here we are...
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
