I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign
You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
seeing an 80 year old woman puke in the bushes changes everything...
that's spring break in florida for ya
Maybe I need a light up heart over my vagina like Christina aguilera to get the point across
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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