The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I haven't filled him in on Operation "find a sugar daddy & suck dick for money" yet, but I'm sure he just wants me to be happy.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
got cock blocked by the cops again. two of the cops were the same ones from that t bell incident and they recognized me... they still dont like me
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
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