there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
he changed my name in his contacts to "rick", so his mom wouldn't know he was texting me
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I cut him off because he was changing my thermostat every time he came over
You made the right decision
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
