i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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