I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
she chased shots of jack with a fucking steak. i'm in love.
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