how can you tell if its a queef or a fart from that close?
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
Randomize
