if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
who knew i was capable of sobriety and human-like emotions all in the same night?
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Randomize
