Update: Discussing lingerie with my father. He likes sheer black things. Not into the colorful stuff I wear.
dude you made out with his girlfriend and stole his credit card to buy more drinks
well when you put it that way, I sound like a terrible person
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
I found pix on her phone of me passed out and her sticking things up my ass. Its over.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Note to self: never fuck a Canadian, surprisingly highly disappointing
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
