I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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