When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Yeah i just finished watching someone play ping pong with his penis it didn't fully register until after a few seconds
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I just drove by a stop sign that had a used maxi pad stuck to it WHAT THE FUCK
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
