btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry
i told my grandma i broke up with my boyfriend. her reply " you need to play the field more anyway"
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
Now theyre filling the kiddie pool water with boxes and boxes of jello powder and im not sure if thats a sign i should leave or what
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
FUCK WHALES
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
Randomize
