I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
she's like bobby knight all she does is scream and point
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
You were yelling at the bowl of salad and telling it to quit taunting you and telling you to go to tacobell
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
this is not the first time I've had hot dogs and 151 for thanksgiving.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
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