I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?
Is it related to planting your seed? Cause I don't know if you have studied the development of a tiny human, but that is some complicated shit.
Isn't everything in a man's life somehow related to him planting his seed?
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
CRAIGSLIST IS NOT THE ANSWER
IM LONELY AND HORNY
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
