all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!
why is this not a picture message?!?!
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
so whats your words to drink to for the state of the union? mine are 'change' 'fight' and 'you know'.
mine is 'the'.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
