Omg just want to confirm: got drunk, naked in street, fucked in bathroom and puked on bart.
she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
I went with the blow up doll and I'm glad I did.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
well if they don't get here soon...no fuck it, I'm going to the strip club.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Randomize
