I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
HIS BALLS ARE HEAVEN SENT FROM THE VELVET ANGLES.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
I walked out and he was covered in jelly, slithering around the floor. I don't know how to process that.
Laziness has hit a new level. I'm out of clean sexy underwear and meeting a boy tonight so I'm having a thong delivered via post mates.
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
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