What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan
The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
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