genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
I saw you eating fruit and doing shots off people passed out
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
True enough. Do you ever think that these girls grandparents ghosts are watching you masterbate to their granddaughters and look at you in Shame?
At least life still wants to fuck me.
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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