see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
You flew out of the bedroom, stole two Solo cups from the beer pong table, put them on your feet, clicked your heels together three times
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
