If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He didn't have much of a personality. But I had like 100 orgasms, so that's cool.
Tim is a child that you physically can't love because he makes it hard for you to even find anything redeeming about him so you debate leaving him forever at the gas station.
Sorry about the nipples in that snapchat. It was meant for the Australian.
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
i have officially smoked myself stupid. went to wally world to buy soap and toothpaste but got 4 potpies and 2 dessert pies instead. fail.
Randomize
