when she started arguing that Girl Talk was in fact a DJ, i knew i could never sleep with her
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Ones vagina should not have the same slogan as a can of Pringles.
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
You answered, dry heaved into the phone twice, & then hung up on me.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
Guess who's the proud owner of her very own foxtail butt plug!!
You know the sex was rough when you wake up with a chipped tooth. I have no regrets
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
Randomize
