I'm drinking early times at a fridays on wednesday night. This entire bar is going to see my dick by last call.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
She tried to kill herself by taking a whole packet of panadol. I mean HELLO THAT'S ME EVERY SUNDAY MORNING.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
Randomize
