Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?
Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
Everyone keeps telling me I look so healthy and happy today: the power of the penis people!!
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I have jury duty tomorrow
I almost deep fried my finger today and yet I think you are worse off than I am.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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