mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I'd like to believe that in some alternate universe we are living this wonderful lesbian life together..
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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