please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
Grab the Coors Light. Its time to get NASCAR drunk
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
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