He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
