I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
She's walking around topless with a bottle of red wine, crying and singing showtune ballads. This is actually an improvement.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
Need you on the dancefloor. Hungry and lonely.
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
